Counselling Therapy
Treatment
Branden’s (1969) description of self-esteem includes the following primary properties:
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self-esteem as a basic human need, i.e., "…it makes an essential contribution to the life process", "…is indispensable to normal and healthy self-development, and has a value for survival."
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self-esteem as an automatic and inevitable consequence of the sum of individuals' choices in using their consciousness
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something experienced as a part of, or background to, all of the individuals thoughts, feelings and actions
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Symptoms of Inner Peace
Be on the lookout for symptoms of inner peace. The hearts of a great many have already been exposed to inner peace and it is possible that people everywhere could come down with it in epidemic proportions. This could pose a threat to what has, up to now, been a fairly stable condition of conflict in the world.
Some signs and symptoms of Inner Peace;-
A tendency to think and act spontaneously rather than on fears based on passed experience.
An unmistakable ability to enjoy each moment.
A loss of interest in judging other people.
A loss of interest in interpreting the actions of others.
A loss of interest in conflict.
A loss of the ability to worry.
(This is a very serious symptom)
Frequent, overwhelming episodes of appreciation.
Contented feelings of connectedness with others and nature.
Frequent attacks of smiling.
An increasing tendency to let things happen rather than make them happen.
An increased susceptibility to the love extended by others as well as the uncontrollable urge to love them back.
Thought, Feelings & Action (Cognitive Behavioural Programme
Designed by Alpha Integrative Counselling Services
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Guide to do every day
1. Study something new every day-
2. Do at least one new thing different every day and make it part of your life
3. Keep a positive dairy
4. Go for a walk if possible
5. Get out of house at least once a day
6. Be nice to someone else at least once a day
7. Be good/treat yourself at least once a day
8. Phone at least one person everyday
9. Be good to yourself
10. It is ok to feel
11. It is OK to Think
12. Act as if to give the Confidence to achieve
13. Learn to trust yourself
14. Learn to trust others
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LEARNING TO BE YOURSELF
THE PLUM
You should learn that you cannot be loved by everyone.
You may be the finest plum in the world-Ripe, juicy and succulent, and offer yourself to all.
But there will be people who do not like plums.
You must understand that if you are the world’s finest plum.
And someone you like doesn’t happen to like plums.
You have the choice of becoming a banana, but you must
Be warned that if you choose to become a banana
You will be a second-rate banana.
But you can always be the best plum.
You must also realise, if you choose to be a banana,
There will be people who do not like bananas.
Furthermore, you could spend your life trying to be the best banana, which is
Impossible if you are a plum,
Or
You can seek again to be the best plum----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
LET IT REALLY SINK IN - THEN CHOOSE.
John is the kind of guy you love to hate. He is always
in a good mood and
always
has something positive to say. When someone would ask
him how he was
doing, he would reply, "If I were any better, I would be
twins!"
He was a natural motivator.
If an employee was having a bad day, John was there
telling the employee
how to look on the positive side of the situation.
Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I
went up and asked him, "I don't get it!
You can't be a positive person all of the time. How do
you do it?"
He replied, "Each morning I wake up and say to myself,
you have two choices
today. You can choose to be in a good mood or ... you
can choose to be in a bad mood.
I choose to be in a good mood."
Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a
victim or...I can
choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it.
Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose
to accept their complaining or... I can point out the
positive side of life. I choose the positive side of
life.
"Yeah, right, it's not that easy," I protested.
"Yes, it is," he said. "Life is all about choices. When
you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice.
You choose how you react to situations. You choose how
people affect your mood.
You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom
line: It's your choice how you live your life."
I reflected on what he said. Soon hereafter, I left the
Industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but I
often thought about him when I made a choice about life
instead of reacting to it.
Several years later, I heard that he was involved in a
serious accident, falling some 60 feet from a tower.
After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care,
he was released from the hospital with rods placed in
his back.
I saw him about six months after the accident
When I asked him how he was, he replied, "If I were any
better, I'd be twins' Wanna see my scars?"
I declined to see his wounds, but I did ask him what had
gone through his mind as the accident took place.
"The first thing that went through my mind was the
well-being of my soon-to-be born daughter," he replied.
"Then, as I lay on the ground, I remembered that I had
two choices: I could choose to live or...I could
choose to die. I chose to live."
"Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?" I
asked.
He continued, "...the paramedics were great.
They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when
they wheeled me into the ER and I saw the expressions on
the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really
scared. In their eyes, I read 'he's a dead man'. I knew
I needed to take action."
"What did you do?" I asked.
"Well, there was a big burly nurse shouting questions at
me," said John. "She asked if I was allergic to
anything. 'Yes, I replied.' The doctors and nurses
stopped working as they waited for my reply. I took a
deep breath and yelled, 'Gravity'."
Over their laughter, I told them, "I am choosing to
live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead."
He lived, thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also
because of his amazing attitude... I learned from him
that every day we have the choice to live fully.
Attitude, after all, is everything. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
After all today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
You have two choices now:
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Letting go
To let go doesn’t mean to stop caring, It means I can’t do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off, It’s the realization that I can’t control another.
To let go is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another, I can only change myself.
To let go is not to care for, but to care about.
To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their own outcomes.
To let go is not to be protective,It is to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny, but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue, but to search out my own shortcomings and to correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes.
To let go is not to criticise and regulate anyone, But to try to become what dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
To let go is to fear less and to love more.
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THE FEAR OF REJECTION AND THE NEED FOR LOVE
Many people live with the fear of not being loved. That fear governs their lives, directing their behaviour and helping to form their attitudes.
The fear of not being loved comes from the fact of not being loved. Because they were not loved for who they were, people predict that they will not be loved for who they are. … Worse, they live with the feeling that they are simply not lovable. Everything they do then seems to confirm that feeling.
Now, because that prediction of not being loved is very deeply ingrained, it is very hard to undo. But it is possible.
People have a dilemma. Here they are, as adults with the feelings of deprived neglected children. An adult with the intense needs a child suffers. The needs can no longer be met.
Nothing he/she does or receives as a grown-up can make up for the losses of childhood.
Need has a timetable: Childhood needs are filled in childhood, adult needs in adulthood.
The difference between being a child and being an adult is precisely a difference in need.
The feeling of not being loved or of not being lovable is such a bad one that some are not even aware that they have it. They are busily engaged in doing whatever staves it off, including drinking and taking drugs. Others are aware to some extent and still carry on trying to keep the feeling at bay. They don’t have much success because what they do invariably brings them back to the same feeling. We have all heard of the performer who, in spite of tumultuous acclaim, feels unsatisfied, unloved and alone, separate, never good enough.
It helps to identify the things we do to keep the feeling away.
This usually takes one of two main forms:
Either: We struggle to fill the need ) Both defend against
for love ) not being loved
Or: We struggle against the ) the painful reality
need for love )
Within these two broad categories are two further branches: the passive and the active approach to defending ourselves. SPOT YOURSELVES in these groups.
Struggle for: Behaviour, which says, “Please love me” or “I’m worth loving”
Active: We do our best to please
We smile and laugh in spite of feeling bad
We make jokes
We perform
We favour and flatter
We are extra good and extra nice
We assume far too much responsibility
We take care of others beyond the call of duty
We are too generous
We never say no
We look for confirmation of doing the right thing
We agree when we don’t really
We pretend to be more than we are
We flaunt our money or status
We drop names
We show off our intelligence
We flirt
We hop into bed with anyone
We spend flamboyantly
Passive: We keep quiet
We never object
We don’t argue
We are excessively polite
We forgive too soon
We lie
We are no bother
We don’t ask for anything
We speak too softly
We never get angry
We never cry
In short we do, or try to be, whatever would have made our parents love us. But the time for parents is gone. It is sad. It hurts. We grieve that they did not, and may not love us for who we are. You can live with either reality. Feel the hurt. Know it. And go on. We can go on to get real love, not symbolic love. We can go on to feel self-worth.
Struggle against: Behaviour, which says, “I don’t need love” or “I’m not worth loving”.
Active: Acting tough
Being constantly rough and never gentle
Being aggressive
Criticising displays of affection
Dismissing needs and feelings in others
Admiring and cultivating coolness and indifference
Demonstrating a lack of care
Refusing affection
Passive: Denying any need for love
Staying alone
Rejecting ourselves before others can
Putting ourselves down
Drinking and Drug taking
Looking unlovable
Not taking care of ourselves
Assuming no one likes us
Not reaching out
Avoiding touch
Not talking
Because it hurts to feel our need for love, we ingeniously pretend to ourselves that we don’t need it. You can’t suffer from a need if you don’t have it.
Neither struggle would attract us if we loved ourselves. Self-love is not the same as vanity.
Vanity literally means emptiness.
Self-love shows itself in Self-Confidence, in easiness and acceptance of who one is.
How can one achieve a feeling of self worth when one has spent a lifetime of feeling worthless and done everything to fend off that feeling?
When you are aware of what you are doing you can make changes. You can recognise when you’re about to enter yet again into a useless struggle and you can do the opposite. Gradually–and it is difficult at first – you can take yourself out of the vicious circle. And just as you went progressively down a slope, now you will go steadily upwards. Each time you manage a step in the right direction you will be encouraged because each measure of progress, however small, is its own reward.
The rewards accumulate like compound interest.
3 examples:
If you never say no.
Try saying no sometime when you really want to.
At first you will feel bad because you feel guilty. You will feel that you will not be loved.
But remember that this isn’t the love you need. Besides, if someone loved you because you couldn’t say no it wouldn’t really be you they are loving. It would be a false you. Having the unreal you loved is always frustrating.
Staying alone.
Try reaching out to someone. At first you will feel vulnerable and afraid. You will be sure that rejection is coming. You will want to withdraw immediately. Go on. Even if it doesn’t work out at once. Don’t give in to your prediction of not being loved. Remember you are predicting something, which has already happened. If you withdraw into loneliness you have made the very thing, which you are afraid of, come true. You have done the rejecting. To prevent rejection you have rejected yourself. There is nothing for you in that. You will find others have the same feeling and they will be happy that you took a step towards them. Reaching out again and again will increase your confidence and the rewards will grow. Of course, there are different ways to reach out. At first you may be pretty clumsy. No matter. You’ll get the hang of it.
Acting careless.
This is the behaviour which expresses the anger and indirectly the hurt one can feel at not being cared about. “If you don’t care about me I’m not going to care either, about you or me.” The anger exists because one does need to be cared about. So the behaviour in its own way is an admission. But on the surface it’s a lie. Try letting someone who wants to, show care for you. Receive their caring attention. At first it will feel downright uncomfortable, like an ill-fitting coat. You will want to push the person away and disclaim your need. You may get angry. When you let the care in, it may start to hurt, even to cry, but that’s the beginning of the end to your aggressive isolation.
Don’t lie to yourself about your needs. That’s a form of self-abuse.
All the struggles for love and against the need for love bring us back to the feeling, which started the struggle. For instance, people are put off by, very needy people, who ‘suck up’ to them. Or they punish the ones who behave aggressively and uncaring. These people end up with the same old feeling that no one loves them, so back they go again to their struggle.
So, recognise what you do to defend against that feeling of not being loved and not being lovable. Be sure that that defence is attacking you. Realise that your struggle is useless and doomed to failure. Determine what is real adult love and how it can be given and taken.
You will never be loved the way you needed to be loved, but you can be loved the way you need now.
It begins by loving yourself. To do that you may have to act a bit. To act as if, you are lovable.
You have to act because it doesn’t come naturally as it should have done. But the act will eventually pass over and become a genuine part of you(Anything practice becomes natural Good or Bad). You will find that you are altogether more attractive to others when you are not desperately trying to be loved or desperately trying to deny that you need it.
Thought, Feelings & Action (Cognitive Behavioural Programme)
Designed by Alpha Integrative Counselling Services
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Handling Criticism
(How to respond to criticism assertively)
1. If it’s fair criticism, ask for specific suggestions, alternatives, from the person. What might you do to handle a situation, or behave differently?
2. No need for long, self-critical, or rationalising excuses.
3. When a person’s criticism is somewhat vague, unclear. For example, ‘You are “cold” with people’, have them clarify or give specific examples.
4. Respond with opinion statements rather than ‘you’ statements, for example, ‘I think you misinterpreted what I said’, instead of, ‘Your interpretation is all wrong.’
It’s ok to share your reactions, feelings, regard the criticism: ‘I feel a little angry about your bringing up this issue again’, or ‘I feel unjustly criticised.’----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Developing Assertive Behaviour
Learning to behave more assertively leads to more fruitful communication and increased self-confidence.
Assertive people:
1. Take responsibility for their thoughts, feelings and behaviour. They do not blame or judge others.
2. Stand up for their own rights, and respect the rights of other people.
3. Act without undue fear or anxiety.
4. Ask for what they want and need openly and honestly, and accept that they may not get exactly what they want. They do not fight to win their corner – unlike the aggressive person.
5. Are willing to compromise or negotiate to settle conflict situations. They do not take flight from difficult situations, or allow themselves to be walked over – Unlike the passive or submissive person.
6. Don’t feel the need to bully or manipulate others (unlike the aggressive person), and don’t feel the need to please others in the hope they will be approved of, (unlike the passive person).
7. Can give and accept praise easily.
8. Can give and accept criticism – they are aware of their particular crumple buttons’ and do not over-react to criticism.
9. Have high levels of self-confidence and self-esteem, and build other people’s self-confidence and self-esteem.
10. Like themselves for who they are, and accept other people as they are.
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YOU ARE VERY SPECIAL
In the entire world there is nobody, nobody like you. Since the beginning of time there has never been another person like you. Nobody has your smile, your eyes, your hands, your hair, your arms and legs nobody owns your handwriting, your voice. You’re Special.
Nobody can paint your brush strokes. Nobody has your taste for food, or music, or dance, or art. Nobody in the universe sees things as you do. In all time there has never been anyone who laughs in exactly your way, and what makes you laugh, or cry, or think may have a totally different response in another. So…… You’re Special.
You’re different from any other person who has ever lived in the history of the universe. You are the only one in the whole of creation who has your particular set of abilities. There is always someone who is better at one thing or another. Every person is my superior in at least one way. Nobody in the universe can reach the quality of the combination of your talents, your feelings. Like a room full of musical instruments, some might excel in one-way or another, but nobody can match the symphonic sound when all played together. You’re Symphony.
Through all eternity no one will ever walk, talk, think or do exactly like you.
You’re Special
You’re rare and in all rarity there is enormous value and because of your great value the need for you to imitate anyone else is absolutely wrong.
You’re Special and it is no accident you are. Please realise that God made you for a special purpose. He has a job for you to do that nobody else can do as well as you can. Out of the billions of applicants only one is qualified. Only one has the unique and right combination of what it takes and that one is you.
YOU’RE SPECIAL
Inner Peace (Stress Management/Relaxation Programme)
Designed by Alpha Integrative Counselling Services
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PROMISES
If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations, which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that we are living and have a purposeful life.
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us – sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.
Motivation for Life
Program Designed by Alpha Integrative Counselling Services
Exert from AA book
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The Price of “Nice”
“Nice” behaviour eventually has a ‘Price’ for both the ‘nice’ person and persons involved With him/her. It is alienating, indirectly hostile, and self destructive because:
1 The ‘nice’ person tends to create an atmosphere such that others avoid giving honest, genuine feedback. This blocks emotional growth.
2 ‘Nice’ behaviour will ultimately be distrusted by others. That is, it generates a Sense of uncertainty and lack of safety in others, who can never be sure if they will be supported by the ‘nice’ person in a crisis situation that requires an aggressive Confrontation with others.
3 ‘Nice’ people stifle the growth of others. They avoid giving others genuine Feedback, and they deprive others of a real person to assert against. This tends to Others can never be certain if the relationship to turn their aggression against themselves. It also tends to generate guilt and depressed feelings in others who are Intimately Involved and dependent on them.
4 Because of chronic ‘niceness’, others can never be certain if the relationship with A ‘nice’ person could endure a conflict or sustain an angry confrontation, if it did Occur spontaneously. This places great limits on the potential extent of intimacy In the relationship by placing others constantly on their guard.
5 ‘Nice’ behaviour is not reliable. Periodically, the ‘nice’ person explodes in unexpected rage and those involved are shocked and unprepared to cope with it.
6 The ‘nice’ person, by holding aggression in, may pay a physiological price in the Form of psychosomatic problems and a psychological price in the form of
Alienation.
7 ‘Nice’ behaviour is emotionally unreal behaviour. It puts severe limitations on
all relationships, and the ultimate victim is the ‘nice’ person him/herself.
Motivation for Life
Program Designed by Alpha Integrative Counselling Service
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