PROBLEM RECOGNITION

Unhelpful Thoughts

1.     Over-generalisation. Making a sweeping statement about oneself following a single incident; “She didn’t want to go out with me – that means no one will.

2.     Personalisation. Attributing failures to oneself when other factors may be at least as much to blame: “She didn’t enjoy the cinema this evening because she was with me”.

3.     Magnification. Misinterpreting a minor setback as a major disaster, ‘making a mountain out of a mole hill’ “Since she said she couldn’t go out with me that evening it’s pointless asking her out again”.

4.     Minimisation. Misinterpreting one’s achievement so that it’s actual worth is underestimated: “She seems to enjoy my company, but that’s only because there’s nobody else available”.

5.     Dichotomous reasoning. Categorising oneself as one thing or the other, as a success or a failure with no intermediate position: “She doesn’t like me, that’s because I’m basically unlikeable.

6.     Arbitrary inference. Making a negative inference from something without taking into account alternative explanations: “She arrived late which means she didn’t really want to come anyway”.

7.     Selective Abstraction. Basing a conclusion on one fact taken out of context while ignoring any conflicting evidence: Although she has kept all our other arrangements the fact that she didn’t come tonight means she is not committed to our relationship”.

It can be seen that some thoughts are examples of more than one mechanism in play; indeed, the example above of over-generalisation might also result from personalisation, magnification or selective abstraction

                   Thought, Feelings & Action (Cognitive Behavioural Programme)

                                           Designed by Alpha Integrative Counselling Services

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Letting go

To let go doesn’t mean to stop caring, It means I can’t do it for someone else.

To let go is not to cut myself off, It’s the realization that I can’t control another.

To let go is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.

To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.

To let go is not to try to change or blame another, I can only change myself.

To let go is not to care for, but to care about.

To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.

To let go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.

To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,

but to allow others to affect their own outcomes.

To let go is not to be protective,It is to permit another to face reality.

To let go is not to deny, but to accept.

To let go is not to nag, scold or argue, but to search out my own shortcomings and to correct them.

To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes.

To let go is not to criticise and regulate anyone, But to try to become what dream I can be.

To let go is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.

To let go is to fear less and to love more.

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Developing Assertive Behaviour

Learning to behave more assertively leads to more fruitful communication and increased self-confidence.

Assertive people:

1.     Take responsibility for their thoughts, feelings and behaviour. They do not blame or judge others.

2.     Stand up for their own rights, and respect the rights of other people.

3.     Act without undue fear or anxiety.

4.     Ask for what they want and need openly and honestly, and accept that they may not get exactly what they want. They do not fight to win their corner – unlike the aggressive person.

5.     Are willing to compromise or negotiate to settle conflict situations. They do not take flight from difficult situations, or allow themselves to be walked over – Unlike the passive or submissive person.

6.     Don’t feel the need to bully or manipulate others (unlike the aggressive person), and don’t feel the need to please others in the hope they will be approved of, (unlike the passive person).

7.     Can give and accept praise easily.

8.     Can give and accept criticism – they are aware of their particular crumple buttons’ and do not over-react to criticism.

9.     Have high levels of self-confidence and self-esteem, and build other people’s self-confidence and self-esteem.

10.   Like themselves for who they are, and accept other people as they are.

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The Price of “Nice”

“Nice” behaviour eventually has a ‘Price’ for both the ‘nice’ person and persons involved With him/her. It is alienating, indirectly hostile, and self destructive because:

1       The ‘nice’ person tends to create an atmosphere such that others avoid giving honest, genuine feedback. This blocks emotional growth.

2       ‘Nice’ behaviour will ultimately be distrusted by others. That is, it generates a Sense of uncertainty and lack of safety in others, who can never be sure if they will be supported by the ‘nice’ person in a crisis situation that requires an aggressive Confrontation with others.

3       ‘Nice’ people stifle the growth of others. They avoid giving others genuine Feedback, and they deprive others of a real person to assert against. This tends to Others can never be certain if the relationship to turn their aggression against themselves. It also tends to generate guilt and depressed feelings in others who are Intimately Involved and dependent on them.

4       Because of chronic ‘niceness’, others can never be certain if the relationship with A ‘nice’ person could endure a conflict or sustain an angry confrontation, if it did Occur spontaneously. This places great limits on the potential extent of intimacy In the relationship by placing others constantly on their guard.

5       ‘Nice’ behaviour is not reliable. Periodically, the ‘nice’ person explodes in unexpected rage and those involved are shocked and unprepared to cope with it.

6       The ‘nice’ person, by holding aggression in, may pay a physiological price in the Form of psychosomatic problems and a psychological price in the form of

Alienation.

7       ‘Nice’ behaviour is emotionally unreal behaviour. It puts severe limitations on

all relationships, and the ultimate victim is the ‘nice’ person him/herself.

Motivation for Life

Program Designed by Alpha Integrative Counselling Service

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phone 01376552774

or E-Mail David@Counselling-Therapy-Treatment.co.uk