 Counselling Therapy
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Obsessive Compulsive Disorder |
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We aim to give a all round idea of some of the issue that you may be going through as couple or as an individual so please read on and remember that we are in the process of still building our new Site. If your issue is not in here please e-mail us and we will endeavour to put it in
please do not hesitate in contacting us or making appointment Please enjoy ------------------------------------------------------------------------------Unhelpful Thoughts1. Over-generalisation. Making a sweeping statement about oneself following a single incident; “She didn’t want to go out with me – that means no one will. 2. Personalisation. Attributing failures to oneself when other factors may be at least as much to blame: “She didn’t enjoy the cinema this evening because she was with me”.
3. Magnification. Misinterpreting a minor setback as a major disaster, ‘making a mountain out of a mole hill’ “Since she said she couldn’t go out with me that evening it’s pointless asking her out again”. 4. Minimisation. Misinterpreting one’s achievement so that it’s actual worth is underestimated: “She seems to enjoy my company, but that’s only because there’s nobody else available”. 5. Dichotomous reasoning. Categorising oneself as one thing or the other, as a success or a failure with no intermediate position: “She doesn’t like me, that’s because I’m basically unlikeable. 6. Arbitrary inference. Making a negative inference from something without taking into account alternative explanations: “She arrived late which means she didn’t really want to come anyway”. 7. Selective Abstraction. Basing a conclusion on one fact taken out of context while ignoring any conflicting evidence: Although she has kept all our other arrangements the fact that she didn’t come tonight means she is not committed to our relationship”. It can be seen that some thoughts are examples of more than one mechanism in play; indeed, the example above of over-generalisation might also result from personalisation, magnification or selective abstraction.
Thought, Feelings & Action (Cognitive Behavioural Programme) Designed by Alpha Integrative Counselling Services ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE FEAR OF REJECTION AND THE NEED FOR LOVE
Many people live with the fear of not being loved. That fear governs their lives, directing their behaviour and helping to form their attitudes.
The fear of not being loved comes from the fact of not being loved. Because they were not loved for who they were, people predict that they will not be loved for who they are. … Worse, they live with the feeling that they are simply not lovable. Everything they do then seems to confirm that feeling. Now, because that prediction of not being loved is very deeply ingrained, it is very hard to undo. But it is possible. People have a dilemma. Here they are, as adults with the feelings of deprived neglected children. An adult with the intense needs a child suffers. The needs can no longer be met. Nothing he/she does or receives as a grown-up can make up for the losses of childhood. Need has a timetable: Childhood needs are filled in childhood, adult needs in adulthood. The difference between being a child and being an adult is precisely a difference in need.
The feeling of not being loved or of not being lovable is such a bad one that some are not even aware that they have it. They are busily engaged in doing whatever staves it off, including drinking and taking drugs. Others are aware to some extent and still carry on trying to keep the feeling at bay. They don’t have much success because what they do invariably brings them back to the same feeling. We have all heard of the performer who, in spite of tumultuous acclaim, feels unsatisfied, unloved and alone, separate, never good enough.
It helps to identify the things we do to keep the feeling away. This usually takes one of two main forms:
Either: We struggle to fill the need ) Both defend against for love ) not being loved Or: We struggle against the ) the painful realityneed for love )
Within these two broad categories are two further branches: the passive and the active approach to defending ourselves. SPOT YOURSELVES in these groups.
Struggle for: Behaviour, which says, “Please love me” or “I’m worth loving”
Active: We do our best to please We smile and laugh in spite of feeling bad We make jokes We perform We favour and flatter We are extra good and extra nice We assume far too much responsibility We take care of others beyond the call of duty We are too generous We never say no We look for confirmation of doing the right thing We agree when we don’t really We pretend to be more than we are We flaunt our money or status We drop names We show off our intelligence We flirt We hop into bed with anyone We spend flamboyantly
Passive: We keep quiet We never object We don’t argue We are excessively polite We forgive too soon We lie We are no bother We don’t ask for anything We speak too softly We never get angry We never cry
In short we do, or try to be, whatever would have made our parents love us. But the time for parents is gone. It is sad. It hurts. We grieve that they did not, and may not love us for who we are. You can live with either reality. Feel the hurt. Know it. And go on. We can go on to get real love, not symbolic love. We can go on to feel self-worth.
Struggle against: Behaviour, which says, “I don’t need love” or “I’m not worth loving”.
Active: Acting tough Being constantly rough and never gentle Being aggressive Criticising displays of affection Dismissing needs and feelings in others Admiring and cultivating coolness and indifference Demonstrating a lack of care Refusing affection
Passive: Denying any need for love Staying alone Rejecting ourselves before others can Putting ourselves down Drinking and Drug taking Looking unlovable Not taking care of ourselves Assuming no one likes us Not reaching out Avoiding touch Not talking
Because it hurts to feel our need for love, we ingeniously pretend to ourselves that we don’t need it. You can’t suffer from a need if you don’t have it.
Neither struggle would attract us if we loved ourselves. Self-love is not the same as vanity. Vanity literally means emptiness. Self-love shows itself in Self-Confidence, in easiness and acceptance of who one is.
How can one achieve a feeling of self worth when one has spent a lifetime of feeling worthless and done everything to fend off that feeling?
When you are aware of what you are doing you can make changes. You can recognise when you’re about to enter yet again into a useless struggle and you can do the opposite. Gradually–and it is difficult at first – you can take yourself out of the vicious circle. And just as you went progressively down a slope, now you will go steadily upwards. Each time you manage a step in the right direction you will be encouraged because each measure of progress, however small, is its own reward. The rewards accumulate like compound interest. 3 examples:
If you never say no. Try saying no sometime when you really want to. At first you will feel bad because you feel guilty. You will feel that you will not be loved. But remember that this isn’t the love you need. Besides, if someone loved you because you couldn’t say no it wouldn’t really be you they are loving. It would be a false you. Having the unreal you loved is always frustrating.
Staying alone. Try reaching out to someone. At first you will feel vulnerable and afraid. You will be sure that rejection is coming. You will want to withdraw immediately. Go on. Even if it doesn’t work out at once. Don’t give in to your prediction of not being loved. Remember you are predicting something, which has already happened. If you withdraw into loneliness you have made the very thing, which you are afraid of, come true. You have done the rejecting. To prevent rejection you have rejected yourself. There is nothing for you in that. You will find others have the same feeling and they will be happy that you took a step towards them. Reaching out again and again will increase your confidence and the rewards will grow. Of course, there are different ways to reach out. At first you may be pretty clumsy. No matter. You’ll get the hang of it. Acting careless. This is the behaviour which expresses the anger and indirectly the hurt one can feel at not being cared about. “If you don’t care about me I’m not going to care either, about you or me.” The anger exists because one does need to be cared about. So the behaviour in its own way is an admission. But on the surface it’s a lie. Try letting someone who wants to, show care for you. Receive their caring attention. At first it will feel downright uncomfortable, like an ill-fitting coat. You will want to push the person away and disclaim your need. You may get angry. When you let the care in, it may start to hurt, even to cry, but that’s the beginning of the end to your aggressive isolation. Don’t lie to yourself about your needs. That’s a form of self-abuse. All the struggles for love and against the need for love bring us back to the feeling, which started the struggle. For instance, people are put off by, very needy people, who ‘suck up’ to them. Or they punish the ones who behave aggressively and uncaring. These people end up with the same old feeling that no one loves them, so back they go again to their struggle.
So, recognise what you do to defend against that feeling of not being loved and not being lovable. Be sure that that defence is attacking you. Realise that your struggle is useless and doomed to failure. Determine what is real adult love and how it can be given and taken.
You will never be loved the way you needed to be loved, but you can be loved the way you need now.
It begins by loving yourself. To do that you may have to act a bit. To act as if, you are lovable. You have to act because it doesn’t come naturally as it should have done. But the act will eventually pass over and become a genuine part of you(Anything practice becomes natural Good or Bad). You will find that you are altogether more attractive to others when you are not desperately trying to be loved or desperately trying to deny that you need it.
Thought, Feelings & Action (Cognitive Behavioural Programme) Designed by Alpha Integrative Counselling Services -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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