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Normal Responses to Loss

Shock and Numbness;

Disbelief, Numbness, Derealisation. Serialisation. Traumatize. Devastated. Overwhelmed. Distraught. Distressed. Overcome. Shattered.

Disorganisation; Bargaining

Confusion, Poor Concentration. Absorption, Pain, Grief, Anger, Seeking, Idealizing, Sadness, Hanging On

Denial;

Denial of the loss, Re-experiencing what has been lost, “Searching”. Refutation. Rejection. Rebuff. Suppression, Suppression of feelings.

Depression;

Pining for what has been lost, Despair. Hopelessness. Desperation. Despondency. Yearning. Craving. Wish

Guilt, Fear

Guilt from a feeling of release, from things done/not done. Blame. Remorse. Shame. Self-reproach

Anger, Sadness, Depression

Anger from Grievance. Injustice, Bitterness, Hanging On

Resolution and Acceptance;

Feelings decrease in intensity; waves; acceptance that what has been lost is gone and that life must go on. Hope, Idealizing.

Reintegration;

A new life in which, what has been lost, has no part. Returns to grief, e.g. at anniversaries or family milestones.

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Normal Responses to LOSS

• Disbelief:
  You expect to wake up any minute from this nightmare. It can't be true. You can't cry, because you don't believe it.
• Shock:
  Nature softens the blow, temporarily. You are numb and dazed. Your emotions are frozen. You go through the motions, like a robot.
• Crying:
  Deep emotions suddenly well up, seeking release as loud sobbing and crying. Give yourself time for tears. They can help.
• Physical Symptoms:
  You may sleep or eat too little or too much. You may have physical aches, pains, numbness, or weakness. Check with a doctor to rule out other causes. Usually the symptoms fade gradually.
• Denial:
  You know the fact of death but you forget. You expect your loved one to telephone or walk in the door. You search for him/her.
• Why:
  "Why did he/she have to die?" You don't expect an answer, but you need to ask repeatedly. The question itself is a cry of pain.
• Repeating:
  Over and over again, you tell the same story, think the same thoughts. Repeating helps you to absorb the painful reality.
• Self-Control:
  You control your emotions to fulfil your responsibilities or to rest from the pain. Self-control can shape and give rhythm to your grieving, but constant rigid self-control can block healing.
• Reality:
  "It really happened." You feel you're getting worse. Actually, reality has just hit, and support from friends and family may be diminishing.
• Confusion:
  You can't think. You forget in mid-sentence. You are disorganized and impatient.
• Idealizing:
  You remember only good traits, as if your loved one was perfect. You find it hard to accept the not-so-perfect living. Your loved one's idiosyncrasies or imperfect traits become endearing reminders of their realness, humanness.
• Identifying:
  Wanting to stay close, you copy your loved one's style of dress, hobbies, interests, or habits. You may carry a special object of his or hers.
• Envy:
  You envy others. Their pleasure in their loved ones makes you feel keenly what you have lost. They don't deserve their good fortune.
• Frustration:
  Your past fulfilments are gone. You haven't found new ones yet. You feel you're not coping with grief "right."
• Bitterness:
  Temporary feelings of resentment and hatred, especially toward those in some way responsible for your loss, are natural. But, habitual bitterness can drain energy and block healing.
• Waiting:
  The struggle is over, but your zest has not returned. You are in limbo, exhausted, uncertain. Life seems flat.
• Hope:
  You believe you will get better. The good days out balance the bad. Sometimes you can work effectively, enjoy activities, and really care for others.
• Missing:
  You never stop missing your loved one. Particular days, places, and activities can bring back the pain as intensely as ever.
• Commitment:
  You know you have a choice. Life won't be the same, but you decide to actively begin building a new life for yourself.
• Seeking:
  You take initiative, renewing your involvement with former friends and activities, and exploring new involvements.
• Hanging On:
  Some days you hang on to the grief, which is familiar. Letting go is more a final good-bye to your loved one. You let go gradually.
• Peace:
  You can reminisce about your loved one with a sense of peace. You feel able to accept the death and face your own future.
• Life Opens Up:
  Life has value and meaning again. You can enjoy, appreciate, and anticipate events. You are willing to let the rest of your life be all it can be

All of us will face the need to grieve at one time or another. Grief is related to love and attachment; it is love under the condition of absence.

Grieving is loving someone who is no longer there.

Loss, death and grief are part of the human experience. To grieve is

normal; to not grieve is pathological. We grieve for the loss of friends and family.

We also we grieve for loss of health, jobs, stages of life, possessions and other things.

There is a grieving process that occurs in response to these losses too.

The tendency is for the individual to experience this grief alone, and this can often lead to an unrecognized depression.

We cannot change the fact of the loss; we are left with memories and feelings. For each, there will be a healing process that includes the process of grief. Grief takes us through stages that come and go and often confuse us. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross defined "Five

Stages of Grieving" that most people go through. The stages are not always clearly separated or sequential.

Initially we are caught in disbelief or denial. "It can't be me...!"

As the reality settles in, we find ourselves second-guessing, "If only ..." a stage called bargaining. The loss leaves us asking why this life was taken from us. We want answers when all we are left with is questions. We must rely on our beliefs and faith that are often tested during these times.

Soon this gives way to the emotion of anger, also a stage of grief. We can be angry at our bodies for aging, at the situation, at the person who has died or at God. Anger is not logical and it is not fair. It is an emotion that can be displaced on others because we don't know what to do with it.

This can give way to extreme sadness and depression at our loss and our inability to control events or understand them. It is a feeling of helplessness- the lack of power to change things. It is very normal and healthy to cry over the loss of someone who meant a great deal to you-someone you cared about. It is also normal to feel sadness over the loss of physical functioning.

Eventually, with time and support, we hope to reach a stage of grief called acceptance.

This means that you can remember the one who is gone with love and fondness, yet be able to share memories with a range of emotions. You don't forget, but you may be able to control when the thoughts and feelings come on. Don't judge your feelings; they are not bad or good.

You need to talk and share your feelings with Counsellors, peers, family and friends. That is part of the healing process. It is not easy. Time helps in healing wounds only if you are actively working on the grieving process. Active grieving requires talking out loud with others, not just thinking about it. Sharing good feelings with someone else makes you feel good;

surprisingly, sharing bad feelings with people often makes people feel better. Psychiatrist George Engel, MD from the University of Rochester defined "Four

Mourning:-

1. Accept the Reality (and Meaning) of the Loss. This task requires coming to

grips with the loss as real and understanding the meaning that the loss had for you. It requires acceptance of the loss and the value that loss will have for your life.

2. Experience the Pain and Grief. Dealing with the emotional and physical impact of the loss requires one to experience this pain. It is impossible to lose someone or something that was important to you without feeling the pain. The intensity varies from person to person but the need to grieve remains universal.

3. Adjust to an Environment in which the Deceased is missing. In any

bereavement, the loss is seldom clear-cut. This task involves adapting to the loss.

4. Withdraw Emotional Energy and Reinvest it in Another Relationship. Many

people misinterpret this task. In the case of the loss of a spouse, a friend or

something meaningful, withdrawing emotional attachment doesn't change the memory or dishonour the individual. It allows one to live in the present rather than being stuck in the past. Loving someone else doesn't negate the love that was held for the deceased. This is a difficult task to complete.

One benchmark of the completed grief process is when the person is able to think and talk of the deceased without pain. There may always be sadness but it is not in the form of active physical or emotional pain. The mourner is able to reinvest energy into living and enjoying the present. Responses to the stress involved in loss can produce symptoms including depression, anxiety, panic attacks, nightmares, sleep problems, appetite changes, nausea, concentration problems, fatigue and fear of repetition. These can be

normal responses to sudden loss or unresolved grief.

If it gets unmanageable, you may need to get help from a physician, therapist, a trusted person in your life or your Work/Life, talk to us to help you deal with these symptoms. This can be a difficult emotional time for

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Letting go

To let go doesn’t mean to stop caring, It means I can’t do it for someone else.

To let go is not to cut myself off, It’s the realization that I can’t control another.

To let go is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.

To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.

To let go is not to try to change or blame another, I can only change myself.

To let go is not to care for, but to care about.

To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.

To let go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.

To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,

but to allow others to affect their own outcomes.

To let go is not to be protective,It is to permit another to face reality.

To let go is not to deny, but to accept.

To let go is not to nag, scold or argue, but to search out my own shortcomings and to correct them.

To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes.

To let go is not to criticise and regulate anyone, But to try to become what dream I can be.

To let go is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.

To let go is to fear less and to love more.

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THE FEAR OF REJECTION AND THE NEED FOR LOVE 

Many people live with the fear of not being loved. That fear governs their lives, directing their behaviour and helping to form their attitudes.

The fear of not being loved comes from the fact of not being loved. Because they were not loved for who they were, people predict that they will not be loved for who they are. … Worse, they live with the feeling that they are simply not lovable. Everything they do then seems to confirm that feeling.

Now, because that prediction of not being loved is very deeply ingrained, it is very hard to undo. But it is possible.

People have a dilemma. Here they are, as adults with the feelings of deprived neglected children. An adult with the intense needs a child suffers. The needs can no longer be met.

Nothing he/she does or receives as a grown-up can make up for the losses of childhood.

Need has a timetable: Childhood needs are filled in childhood, adult needs in adulthood.

The difference between being a child and being an adult is precisely a difference in need.

The feeling of not being loved or of not being lovable is such a bad one that some are not even aware that they have it. They are busily engaged in doing whatever staves it off, including drinking and taking drugs. Others are aware to some extent and still carry on trying to keep the feeling at bay. They don’t have much success because what they do invariably brings them back to the same feeling. We have all heard of the performer who, in spite of tumultuous acclaim, feels unsatisfied, unloved and alone, separate, never good enough.

It helps to identify the things we do to keep the feeling away.

This usually takes one of two main forms:

Either: We struggle to fill the need )  Both defend against

              for love                                 )  not being loved

     Or: We struggle against the        ) the painful reality

             need for love                         )

Within these two broad categories are two further branches: the passive and the active approach to defending ourselves. SPOT YOURSELVES in these groups.

Struggle for: Behaviour, which says, “Please love me” or “I’m worth loving”

Active:           We do our best to please

                       We smile and laugh in spite of feeling bad

                       We make jokes

                       We perform

                       We favour and flatter

                       We are extra good and extra nice

                       We assume far too much responsibility

                       We take care of others beyond the call of duty

                       We are too generous

                       We never say no

                       We look for confirmation of doing the right thing

                       We agree when we don’t really

                       We pretend to be more than we are

                       We flaunt our money or status

                       We drop names

                       We show off our intelligence

                       We flirt

                       We hop into bed with anyone

                       We spend flamboyantly

Passive:         We keep quiet

                       We never object

                       We don’t argue

                       We are excessively polite

                       We forgive too soon

                       We lie

                       We are no bother

                       We don’t ask for anything

                       We speak too softly

                       We never get angry

                       We never cry

In short we do, or try to be, whatever would have made our parents love us. But the time for parents is gone. It is sad. It hurts. We grieve that they did not, and may not love us for who we are. You can live with either reality. Feel the hurt. Know it. And go on. We can go on to get real love, not symbolic love. We can go on to feel self-worth.

Struggle against: Behaviour, which says, “I don’t need love” or “I’m not worth loving”.

Active:                     Acting tough

                                 Being constantly rough and never gentle

                                 Being aggressive

                                 Criticising displays of affection

                                 Dismissing needs and feelings in others

                                 Admiring and cultivating coolness and indifference

                                 Demonstrating a lack of care

                                 Refusing affection

Passive:                   Denying any need for love

                                 Staying alone

                                 Rejecting ourselves before others can

                                 Putting ourselves down

                                 Drinking and Drug taking

                                 Looking unlovable

                                 Not taking care of ourselves

                                 Assuming no one likes us

                                 Not reaching out

                                 Avoiding touch

                                 Not talking

Because it hurts to feel our need for love, we ingeniously pretend to ourselves that we don’t need it. You can’t suffer from a need if you don’t have it.

Neither struggle would attract us if we loved ourselves. Self-love is not the same as vanity.  

Vanity literally means emptiness.

Self-love shows itself in Self-Confidence, in easiness and acceptance of who one is.

How can one achieve a feeling of self worth when one has spent a lifetime of feeling worthless and done everything to fend off that feeling?

When you are aware of what you are doing you can make changes. You can recognise when you’re about to enter yet again into a useless struggle and you can do the opposite. Gradually–and it is difficult at first – you can take yourself out of the vicious circle. And just as you went progressively down a slope, now you will go steadily upwards. Each time you manage a step in the right direction you will be encouraged because each measure of progress, however small, is its own reward.

The rewards accumulate like compound interest.

3 examples:

If you never say no.

Try saying no sometime when you really want to.

At first you will feel bad because you feel guilty. You will feel that you will not be loved.

But remember that this isn’t the love you need. Besides, if someone loved you because you couldn’t say no it wouldn’t really be you they are loving. It would be a false you. Having the unreal you loved is always frustrating.

Staying alone.

Try reaching out to someone. At first you will feel vulnerable and afraid. You will be sure that rejection is coming. You will want to withdraw immediately. Go on. Even if it doesn’t work out at once. Don’t give in to your prediction of not being loved. Remember you are predicting something, which has already happened. If you withdraw into loneliness you have made the very thing, which you are afraid of, come true. You have done the rejecting. To prevent rejection you have rejected yourself. There is nothing for you in that. You will find others have the same feeling and they will be happy that you took a step towards them. Reaching out again and again will increase your confidence and the rewards will grow. Of course, there are different ways to reach out. At first you may be pretty clumsy. No matter. You’ll get the hang of it.

Acting careless.

This is the behaviour which expresses the anger and indirectly the hurt one can feel at not being cared about. “If you don’t care about me I’m not going to care either, about you or me.” The anger exists because one does need to be cared about. So the behaviour in its own way is an admission. But on the surface it’s a lie. Try letting someone who wants to, show care for you. Receive their caring attention. At first it will feel downright uncomfortable, like an ill-fitting coat. You will want to push the person away and disclaim your need. You may get angry. When you let the care in, it may start to hurt, even to cry, but that’s the beginning of the end to your aggressive isolation.

Don’t lie to yourself about your needs. That’s a form of self-abuse.

All the struggles for love and against the need for love bring us back to the feeling, which started the struggle. For instance, people are put off by, very needy people, who ‘suck up’ to them. Or they punish the ones who behave aggressively and uncaring. These people end up with the same old feeling that no one loves them, so back they go again to their struggle.

So, recognise what you do to defend against that feeling of not being loved and not being lovable. Be sure that that defence is attacking you. Realise that your struggle is useless and doomed to failure. Determine what is real adult love and how it can be given and taken.

You will never be loved the way you needed to be loved, but you can be loved the way you need now.

It begins by loving yourself. To do that you may have to act a bit. To act as if, you are lovable.

You have to act because it doesn’t come naturally as it should have done. But the act will eventually pass over and become a genuine part of you(Anything practice becomes natural Good or Bad). You will find that you are altogether more attractive to others when you are not desperately trying to be loved or desperately trying to deny that you need it.     

                          Thought, Feelings & Action (Cognitive Behavioural Programme)

                                                  Designed by Alpha Integrative Counselling Services

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phone 01376552774

or E-Mail David@Counselling-Therapy-Treatment.co.uk