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DEPRESSION |
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Depression: A lowering of mood, caused by the process of crooked thinking, and a decrease in behaviours that are positively reinforcing or rewarding to the person.
How you might feel:- Lack of appetite. Loss of weight. Difficulty in sleeping. Early morning waking – hard to get back to sleep. Lack of interest in yourself. Can’t be bothered about everyday life. Lack of interest in others. Pessimistic thoughts about your abilities. Gloomy thoughts about the future. Feeling you can’t cope so what’s the point? Feeling hopeless – suicidal thoughts. Lowest in mood in the mornings.
Four Components of DepressionThought Content or What you Think. Characterised by negative self-defeating thinking about yourself, the world in general, and the future. You may view yourself as unattractive, uninteresting or useless, others as unhelpful, critical or over-demanding and your future as unpromising, insecure and/or threatening.
Thought Processing or How you Think. Each individual has his own repertoire of unhelpful thoughts that keep popping up ‘automatic thinking’ These thoughts are produced by faulty logic, or wrong assumptions.
Basic Beliefs or Where Thoughts Grow. These are the basic attitudes, that each individual holds about themselves. They can give rise to an individual’s unhelpful or automatic thinking. For example; How good a person I am, depends on what others think of me. No one will like me if I don’t join in. If I get it wrong I’m an absolute failure.
A decrease in behaviour and/or circumstance that were positively reinforcing or rewarding. E.g. a change in home or job, giving up an addiction, a bereavement, the end of a supportive relationship.
Thought, Feelings & Action (Cognitive Behavioural Programme) Designed by Alpha Integrative Counselling Services -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Some Symptoms Despondent, Depressed, Anxiety feelings often seem to lead, or to a lapse back into old or childlike behaviours, which could lead to addictively prescribed drugs or drinking alcohol to excess or isolating to such a degree that you don’t see or talk to your friends or family, let alone seeing your doctor. Repeating negative patterns is commonly named O.C.D. (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.) Practiced long enough it will become normal and natural. Invariably the feelings of sadness or depression are associated with thoughts of a negative, pessimistic kind. We may begin to think for instance that we are less interesting or attractive than other people, that other people are unhelpful or overcritical, and begin to be less optimistic and more fearful about our future. It is now believed that negative thoughts of this kind actually lead to feelings of sadness and unhappiness. The ability to recognise one’s negative thoughts is very important as a means of preventing the emotional pit of depression occurring, or of dealing with it once it has already arisen. Keep a Good Daily Diary’ and list any events leading to miserable, sad, unhappy feelings, and thoughts related to these feelings, and to rate the extent of these feelings. The events may be actual events, or may be chains of thought, daydreams or memories.
Thought, Feelings & Action (Cognitive Behavioural Programme) Designed by Alpha Integrative Counselling Services ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Guide to do every day 1. Study something new every day- 2. Do at least one new thing different every day and make it part of your life 3. Keep a positive dairy 4. Go for a walk if possible 5. Get out of house at least once a day 6. Be nice to someone else at least once a day 7. Be good/treat yourself at least once a day 8. Phone at least one person everyday9. Be good to yourself 10. It is ok to feel 11. It is OK to Think 12. Act as if to give the Confidence to achieve 13. Learn to trust yourself 14. Learn to trust others ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- LET IT REALLY SINK IN - THEN CHOOSE.
always has something positive to say. When someone would ask him how he
was
Attitude, after all, is everything. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
After all today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Unhelpful Thoughts1. Over-generalisation. Making a sweeping statement about oneself following a single incident; “She didn’t want to go out with me – that means no one will. 2. Personalisation. Attributing failures to oneself when other factors may be at least as much to blame: “She didn’t enjoy the cinema this evening because she was with me”.
3. Magnification. Misinterpreting a minor setback as a major disaster, ‘making a mountain out of a mole hill’ “Since she said she couldn’t go out with me that evening it’s pointless asking her out again”. 4. Minimisation. Misinterpreting one’s achievement so that it’s actual worth is underestimated: “She seems to enjoy my company, but that’s only because there’s nobody else available”. 5. Dichotomous reasoning. Categorising oneself as one thing or the other, as a success or a failure with no intermediate position: “She doesn’t like me, that’s because I’m basically unlikeable. 6. Arbitrary inference. Making a negative inference from something without taking into account alternative explanations: “She arrived late which means she didn’t really want to come anyway”. 7. Selective Abstraction. Basing a conclusion on one fact taken out of context while ignoring any conflicting evidence: Although she has kept all our other arrangements the fact that she didn’t come tonight means she is not committed to our relationship”. It can be seen that some thoughts are examples of more than one mechanism in play; indeed, the example above of over-generalisation might also result from personalisation, magnification or selective abstraction.
Thought, Feelings & Action (Cognitive Behavioural Programme) Designed by Alpha Integrative Counselling Services ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- THE FEAR OF REJECTION AND THE NEED FOR LOVE
Many people live with the fear of not being loved. That fear governs their lives, directing their behaviour and helping to form their attitudes.
The fear of not being loved comes from the fact of not being loved. Because they were not loved for who they were, people predict that they will not be loved for who they are. … Worse, they live with the feeling that they are simply not lovable. Everything they do then seems to confirm that feeling. Now, because that prediction of not being loved is very deeply ingrained, it is very hard to undo. But it is possible. People have a dilemma. Here they are, as adults with the feelings of deprived neglected children. An adult with the intense needs a child suffers. The needs can no longer be met. Nothing he/she does or receives as a grown-up can make up for the losses of childhood. Need has a timetable: Childhood needs are filled in childhood, adult needs in adulthood. The difference between being a child and being an adult is precisely a difference in need.
The feeling of not being loved or of not being lovable is such a bad one that some are not even aware that they have it. They are busily engaged in doing whatever staves it off, including drinking and taking drugs. Others are aware to some extent and still carry on trying to keep the feeling at bay. They don’t have much success because what they do invariably brings them back to the same feeling. We have all heard of the performer who, in spite of tumultuous acclaim, feels unsatisfied, unloved and alone, separate, never good enough.
It helps to identify the things we do to keep the feeling away. This usually takes one of two main forms:
Either: We struggle to fill the need ) Both defend against for love ) not being loved Or: We struggle against the ) the painful realityneed for love )
Within these two broad categories are two further branches: the passive and the active approach to defending ourselves. SPOT YOURSELVES in these groups.
Struggle for: Behaviour, which says, “Please love me” or “I’m worth loving”
Active: We do our best to please We smile and laugh in spite of feeling bad We make jokes We perform We favour and flatter We are extra good and extra nice We assume far too much responsibility We take care of others beyond the call of duty We are too generous We never say no We look for confirmation of doing the right thing We agree when we don’t really We pretend to be more than we are We flaunt our money or status We drop names We show off our intelligence We flirt We hop into bed with anyone We spend flamboyantly
Passive: We keep quiet We never object We don’t argue We are excessively polite We forgive too soon We lie We are no bother We don’t ask for anything We speak too softly We never get angry We never cry
In short we do, or try to be, whatever would have made our parents love us. But the time for parents is gone. It is sad. It hurts. We grieve that they did not, and may not love us for who we are. You can live with either reality. Feel the hurt. Know it. And go on. We can go on to get real love, not symbolic love. We can go on to feel self-worth.
Struggle against: Behaviour, which says, “I don’t need love” or “I’m not worth loving”.
Active: Acting tough Being constantly rough and never gentle Being aggressive Criticising displays of affection Dismissing needs and feelings in others Admiring and cultivating coolness and indifference Demonstrating a lack of care Refusing affection
Passive: Denying any need for love Staying alone Rejecting ourselves before others can Putting ourselves down Drinking and Drug taking Looking unlovable Not taking care of ourselves Assuming no one likes us Not reaching out Avoiding touch Not talking
Because it hurts to feel our need for love, we ingeniously pretend to ourselves that we don’t need it. You can’t suffer from a need if you don’t have it.
Neither struggle would attract us if we loved ourselves. Self-love is not the same as vanity. Vanity literally means emptiness. Self-love shows itself in Self-Confidence, in easiness and acceptance of who one is.
How can one achieve a feeling of self worth when one has spent a lifetime of feeling worthless and done everything to fend off that feeling?
When you are aware of what you are doing you can make changes. You can recognise when you’re about to enter yet again into a useless struggle and you can do the opposite. Gradually–and it is difficult at first – you can take yourself out of the vicious circle. And just as you went progressively down a slope, now you will go steadily upwards. Each time you manage a step in the right direction you will be encouraged because each measure of progress, however small, is its own reward. The rewards accumulate like compound interest. 3 examples:
If you never say no. Try saying no sometime when you really want to. At first you will feel bad because you feel guilty. You will feel that you will not be loved. But remember that this isn’t the love you need. Besides, if someone loved you because you couldn’t say no it wouldn’t really be you they are loving. It would be a false you. Having the unreal you loved is always frustrating.
Staying alone. Try reaching out to someone. At first you will feel vulnerable and afraid. You will be sure that rejection is coming. You will want to withdraw immediately. Go on. Even if it doesn’t work out at once. Don’t give in to your prediction of not being loved. Remember you are predicting something, which has already happened. If you withdraw into loneliness you have made the very thing, which you are afraid of, come true. You have done the rejecting. To prevent rejection you have rejected yourself. There is nothing for you in that. You will find others have the same feeling and they will be happy that you took a step towards them. Reaching out again and again will increase your confidence and the rewards will grow. Of course, there are different ways to reach out. At first you may be pretty clumsy. No matter. You’ll get the hang of it. Acting careless. This is the behaviour which expresses the anger and indirectly the hurt one can feel at not being cared about. “If you don’t care about me I’m not going to care either, about you or me.” The anger exists because one does need to be cared about. So the behaviour in its own way is an admission. But on the surface it’s a lie. Try letting someone who wants to, show care for you. Receive their caring attention. At first it will feel downright uncomfortable, like an ill-fitting coat. You will want to push the person away and disclaim your need. You may get angry. When you let the care in, it may start to hurt, even to cry, but that’s the beginning of the end to your aggressive isolation. Don’t lie to yourself about your needs. That’s a form of self-abuse. All the struggles for love and against the need for love bring us back to the feeling, which started the struggle. For instance, people are put off by, very needy people, who ‘suck up’ to them. Or they punish the ones who behave aggressively and uncaring. These people end up with the same old feeling that no one loves them, so back they go again to their struggle.
So, recognise what you do to defend against that feeling of not being loved and not being lovable. Be sure that that defence is attacking you. Realise that your struggle is useless and doomed to failure. Determine what is real adult love and how it can be given and taken.
You will never be loved the way you needed to be loved, but you can be loved the way you need now.
It begins by loving yourself. To do that you may have to act a bit. To act as if, you are lovable. You have to act because it doesn’t come naturally as it should have done. But the act will eventually pass over and become a genuine part of you(Anything practice becomes natural Good or Bad). You will find that you are altogether more attractive to others when you are not desperately trying to be loved or desperately trying to deny that you need it.
Thought, Feelings & Action (Cognitive Behavioural Programme) Designed by Alpha Integrative Counselling Services ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- PROMISES If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations, which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that we are living and have a purposeful life.
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us – sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them. Motivation for Life
Program Designed by Alpha Integrative Counselling Services Exert from AA book ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Price of “Nice” “Nice” behaviour eventually has a ‘Price’ for both the ‘nice’ person and persons involved With him/her. It is alienating, indirectly hostile, and self destructive because: 1 The ‘nice’ person tends to create an atmosphere such that others avoid giving honest, genuine feedback. This blocks emotional growth. 2 ‘Nice’ behaviour will ultimately be distrusted by others. That is, it generates a Sense of uncertainty and lack of safety in others, who can never be sure if they will be supported by the ‘nice’ person in a crisis situation that requires an aggressive Confrontation with others. 3 ‘Nice’ people stifle the growth of others. They avoid giving others genuine Feedback, and they deprive others of a real person to assert against. This tends to Others can never be certain if the relationship to turn their aggression against themselves. It also tends to generate guilt and depressed feelings in others who are Intimately Involved and dependent on them. 4 Because of chronic ‘niceness’, others can never be certain if the relationship with A ‘nice’ person could endure a conflict or sustain an angry confrontation, if it did Occur spontaneously. This places great limits on the potential extent of intimacy In the relationship by placing others constantly on their guard. 5 ‘Nice’ behaviour is not reliable. Periodically, the ‘nice’ person explodes in unexpected rage and those involved are shocked and unprepared to cope with it. 6 The ‘nice’ person, by holding aggression in, may pay a physiological price in the Form of psychosomatic problems and a psychological price in the form of Alienation. 7 ‘Nice’ behaviour is emotionally unreal behaviour. It puts severe limitations on all relationships, and the ultimate victim is the ‘nice’ person him/herself.
Motivation for Life Program Designed by Alpha Integrative Counselling Service -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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