Counselling Therapy Treatment
COUPLES
We aim to give a all round idea of some of the issue that you may be going through as couple or as an individual so please read on and remember that we are in the process of still building our new Site. If your issue is not in here please e-mail us and we will endeavour to put it in
please do not hesitate in contacting us or making appointment
Please enjoy
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OUR APPROACH
We believe that given the right tools and skills, each partner in a
relationship is better able to represent themselves within the
relationship. When both parties acquire these new skills the
relationship is given its best chance at development. This can mean a
strengthened bond between partners, with a renewed sense of optimism and
a greater resilience with which to meet future challenges. No
relationship stays the same; but with greater skill and understanding,
many relationships become strengthened as they grow to adapt to life's
challenges. If you feel that your relationship has moved from a state of
cooperation and enjoyment of each other, to a stalemate characterised by
conflict or loss of desire, you will benefit from consultation with a
professional counsellor.
When's the right time?
One thing's for sure: counsellors rarely hear the complaint "It's too early for our relationship!" More often, what they hear is: "We've tried everything - counselling is our last resort."
Far too many couples leave counselling until it's too late. By the time of their first appointment, years of bitterness and resentment have built up and the fear of being hurt blocks out any chance of change.
If you're experiencing any of the following, now is the time to consider counselling:
When you talk to your partner, it feels as though you're hitting a brick wall.
Your conversations just go round and round in never-ending circles.
After you've talked, you feel frustrated and confused.
You can't talk for more than a few minutes without it turning into a shouting match.
You're afraid that if you bring up a certain subject, things will get even worse.
There's nothing left to
say.
Together or alone?
Ideally, you should go to counselling together: it's hard to build a team if only half the players are there. Often, if one person makes the decision to give counselling a try, the partner will decide to go too.
If your partner flatly refuses to join you, there are lots of things counselling can help you sort out on your own. There may be changes you can make alone that will have a positive impact on your relationship. Some people also prefer to have counselling on their own at first to work out their feelings before seeing another counsellor as a couple.
All counsellors have their own styles and ways of working. Our counsellors also offer creative arts and therapeutic exercises in addition to talking.
Whichever approach you choose, broadly speaking all our counsellors will help you to work through the following three steps:-
Exploring your story - the nature of the problems and what impact they're having on you and your relationship. The history of how the problems arose and what changes you'd like to see.
Understanding your story - why you're struggling with these problems and the things that may be preventing you from overcoming them.
Rewriting your story - finding the strengths and resources to resolve your difficulties, or at least make them more bearable.
Couple Counselling at work?
First and foremost, counselling works by giving you both the chance to be heard. Your counsellor will give you all the time you need to talk, sob, shout or just think. It's an opportunity to look at the problem in a different way with someone who'll respect and encourage your opinions and decisions.
For many couples, the solution is right under their noses - it just takes someone objective to see what it is. It's like the saying "You can't see the wood for the trees" – Our Professional counsellors are trained wood-spotters!
It's hard to measure if counselling is effective, but it's an industry that's rapidly growing as more and more people discover the benefits for themselves. If you haven't considered relationship counselling before, please don't leave it until it's too late.
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THE FEAR OF REJECTION AND THE NEED FOR LOVE
Many people live with the fear of not being loved. That fear governs their lives, directing their behaviour and helping to form their attitudes.
The fear of not being loved comes from the fact of not being loved. Because they were not loved for who they were, people predict that they will not be loved for who they are. … Worse, they live with the feeling that they are simply not lovable. Everything they do then seems to confirm that feeling.
Now, because that prediction of not being loved is very deeply ingrained, it is very hard to undo. But it is possible.
People have a dilemma. Here they are, as adults with the feelings of deprived neglected children. An adult with the intense needs a child suffers. The needs can no longer be met.
Nothing he/she does or receives as a grown-up can make up for the losses of childhood.
Need has a timetable: Childhood needs are filled in childhood, adult needs in adulthood.
The difference between being a child and being an adult is precisely a difference in need.
The feeling of not being loved or of not being lovable is such a bad one that some are not even aware that they have it. They are busily engaged in doing whatever staves it off, including drinking and taking drugs. Others are aware to some extent and still carry on trying to keep the feeling at bay. They don’t have much success because what they do invariably brings them back to the same feeling. We have all heard of the performer who, in spite of tumultuous acclaim, feels unsatisfied, unloved and alone, separate, never good enough.
It helps to identify the things we do to keep the feeling away.
This usually takes one of two main forms:
Either: We struggle to fill the need ) Both defend against
for love ) not being loved
Or: We struggle against the ) the painful reality
need for love )
Within these two broad categories are two further branches: the passive and the active approach to defending ourselves. SPOT YOURSELVES in these groups.
Struggle for: Behaviour, which says, “Please love me” or “I’m worth loving”
Active: We do our best to please
We smile and laugh in spite of feeling bad
We make jokes
We perform
We favour and flatter
We are extra good and extra nice
We assume far too much responsibility
We take care of others beyond the call of duty
We are too generous
We never say no
We look for confirmation of doing the right thing
We agree when we don’t really
We pretend to be more than we are
We flaunt our money or status
We drop names
We show off our intelligence
We flirt
We hop into bed with anyone
We spend flamboyantly
Passive: We keep quiet
We never object
We don’t argue
We are excessively polite
We forgive too soon
We lie
We are no bother
We don’t ask for anything
We speak too softly
We never get angry
We never cry
In short we do, or try to be, whatever would have made our parents love us. But the time for parents is gone. It is sad. It hurts. We grieve that they did not, and may not love us for who we are. You can live with either reality. Feel the hurt. Know it. And go on. We can go on to get real love, not symbolic love. We can go on to feel self-worth.
Struggle against: Behaviour, which says, “I don’t need love” or “I’m not worth loving”.
Active: Acting tough
Being constantly rough and never gentle
Being aggressive
Criticising displays of affection
Dismissing needs and feelings in others
Admiring and cultivating coolness and indifference
Demonstrating a lack of care
Refusing affection
Passive: Denying any need for love
Staying alone
Rejecting ourselves before others can
Putting ourselves down
Drinking and Drug taking
Looking unlovable
Not taking care of ourselves
Assuming no one likes us
Not reaching out
Avoiding touch
Not talking
Because it hurts to feel our need for love, we ingeniously pretend to ourselves that we don’t need it. You can’t suffer from a need if you don’t have it.
Neither struggle would attract us if we loved ourselves. Self-love is not the same as vanity.
Vanity literally means emptiness.
Self-love shows itself in Self-Confidence, in easiness and acceptance of who one is.
How can one achieve a feeling of self worth when one has spent a lifetime of feeling worthless and done everything to fend off that feeling?
When you are aware of what you are doing you can make changes. You can recognise when you’re about to enter yet again into a useless struggle and you can do the opposite. Gradually–and it is difficult at first – you can take yourself out of the vicious circle. And just as you went progressively down a slope, now you will go steadily upwards. Each time you manage a step in the right direction you will be encouraged because each measure of progress, however small, is its own reward.
The rewards accumulate like compound interest.
3 examples:
If you never say no.
Try saying no sometime when you really want to.
At first you will feel bad because you feel guilty. You will feel that you will not be loved.
But remember that this isn’t the love you need. Besides, if someone loved you because you couldn’t say no it wouldn’t really be you they are loving. It would be a false you. Having the unreal you loved is always frustrating.
Staying alone.
Try reaching out to someone. At first you will feel vulnerable and afraid. You will be sure that rejection is coming. You will want to withdraw immediately. Go on. Even if it doesn’t work out at once. Don’t give in to your prediction of not being loved. Remember you are predicting something, which has already happened. If you withdraw into loneliness you have made the very thing, which you are afraid of, come true. You have done the rejecting. To prevent rejection you have rejected yourself. There is nothing for you in that. You will find others have the same feeling and they will be happy that you took a step towards them. Reaching out again and again will increase your confidence and the rewards will grow. Of course, there are different ways to reach out. At first you may be pretty clumsy. No matter. You’ll get the hang of it.
Acting careless.
This is the behaviour which expresses the anger and indirectly the hurt one can feel at not being cared about. “If you don’t care about me I’m not going to care either, about you or me.” The anger exists because one does need to be cared about. So the behaviour in its own way is an admission. But on the surface it’s a lie. Try letting someone who wants to, show care for you. Receive their caring attention. At first it will feel downright uncomfortable, like an ill-fitting coat. You will want to push the person away and disclaim your need. You may get angry. When you let the care in, it may start to hurt, even to cry, but that’s the beginning of the end to your aggressive isolation.
Don’t lie to yourself about your needs. That’s a form of self-abuse.
All the struggles for love and against the need for love bring us back to the feeling, which started the struggle. For instance, people are put off by, very needy people, who ‘suck up’ to them. Or they punish the ones who behave aggressively and uncaring. These people end up with the same old feeling that no one loves them, so back they go again to their struggle.
So, recognise what you do to defend against that feeling of not being loved and not being lovable. Be sure that that defence is attacking you. Realise that your struggle is useless and doomed to failure. Determine what is real adult love and how it can be given and taken.
You will never be loved the way you needed to be loved, but you can be loved the way you need now.
It begins by loving yourself. To do that you may have to act a bit. To act as if, you are lovable.
You have to act because it doesn’t come naturally as it should have done. But the act will eventually pass over and become a genuine part of you (Anything practice becomes natural Good or Bad). You will find that you are altogether more attractive to others when you are not desperately trying to be loved or desperately trying to deny that you need it.
Thought, Feelings & Action (Cognitive Behavioural Programme)
Designed by Alpha Integrative Counselling Services
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Developing Assertive Behaviour
Learning to behave more assertively leads to more fruitful communication and increased self-confidence.
Assertive people:
1. Take responsibility for their thoughts, feelings and behaviour. They do not blame or judge others.
2. Stand up for their own rights, and respect the rights of other people.
3. Act without undue fear or anxiety.
4. Ask for what they want and need openly and honestly, and accept that they may not get exactly what they want. They do not fight to win their corner – unlike the aggressive person.
5. Are willing to compromise or negotiate to settle conflict situations. They do not take flight from difficult situations, or allow themselves to be walked over – Unlike the passive or submissive person.
6. Don’t feel the need to bully or manipulate others (unlike the aggressive person), and don’t feel the need to please others in the hope they will be approved of, (unlike the passive person).
7. Can give and accept praise easily.
8. Can give and accept criticism – they are aware of their particular crumple buttons’ and do not over-react to criticism.
9. Have high levels of self-confidence and self-esteem, and build other people’s self-confidence and self-esteem.
10. Like themselves for who they are, and accept other people as they are.
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The Price of “Nice”
“Nice” behaviour eventually has a ‘Price’ for both the ‘nice’ person and persons involved With him/her. It is alienating, indirectly hostile, and self destructive because:
1 The ‘nice’ person tends to create an atmosphere such that others avoid giving honest, genuine feedback. This blocks emotional growth.
2 ‘Nice’ behaviour will ultimately be distrusted by others. That is, it generates a Sense of uncertainty and lack of safety in others, who can never be sure if they will be supported by the ‘nice’ person in a crisis situation that requires an aggressive Confrontation with others.
3 ‘Nice’ people stifle the growth of others. They avoid giving others genuine Feedback, and they deprive others of a real person to assert against. This tends to Others can never be certain if the relationship to turn their aggression against themselves. It also tends to generate guilt and depressed feelings in others who are Intimately Involved and dependent on them.
4 Because of chronic ‘niceness’, others can never be certain if the relationship with A ‘nice’ person could endure a conflict or sustain an angry confrontation, if it did Occur spontaneously. This places great limits on the potential extent of intimacy In the relationship by placing others constantly on their guard.
5 ‘Nice’ behaviour is not reliable. Periodically, the ‘nice’ person explodes in unexpected rage and those involved are shocked and unprepared to cope with it.
6 The ‘nice’ person, by holding aggression in, may pay a physiological price in the Form of psychosomatic problems and a psychological price in the form of
Alienation.
7 ‘Nice’ behaviour is emotionally unreal behaviour. It puts severe limitations on
all relationships, and the ultimate victim is the ‘nice’ person him/herself.
Motivation for Life
Program Designed by Alpha Integrative Counselling Service
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phone 01376552774
or E-Mail David@Counselling-Therapy-Treatment.co.uk