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Normal Responses to Grief

Shock and Numbness

Disbelief, Numbness, Derealisation. Serialisation. Traumatize. Devastated. Overwhelmed. Distraught. Distressed. Overcome. Shattered.

Disorganisation, Bargaining

Confusion, Poor Concentration. Absorption, Pain, Grief, Anger, Seeking, Idealizing, Sadness, Hanging On

Denial

Denial of the loss, Re-experiencing what has been lost, “Searching”. Refutation. Rejection. Rebuff. Suppression, Suppression of feelings.

Depression

Pining for what has been lost, Despair. Hopelessness. Desperation. Despondency. Yearning. Craving. Wish

Guilt, Fear

Guilt from a feeling of release, from things done/not done. Blame. Remorse. Shame. Self-reproach

Anger, Sadness, Depression

Anger from Grievance. Injustice, Bitterness, Hanging On

Resolution and Acceptance

Feelings decrease in intensity; waves; acceptance that what has been lost is gone and that life must go on. Hope, Idealizing.

Reintegration

A new life in which, what has been lost, has no part. Returns to grief, e.g. at anniversaries or family milestones.

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Normal Responses to Grieving

• Disbelief:
  You expect to wake up any minute from this nightmare. It can't be true. You can't cry, because you don't believe it.
• Shock:
  Nature softens the blow, temporarily. You are numb and dazed. Your emotions are frozen. You go through the motions, like a robot.
• Crying:
  Deep emotions suddenly well up, seeking release as loud sobbing and crying. Give yourself time for tears. They can help.
• Physical Symptoms:
  You may sleep or eat too little or too much. You may have physical aches, pains, numbness, or weakness. Check with a doctor to rule out other causes. Usually the symptoms fade gradually.
• Denial:
  You know the fact of death but you forget. You expect your loved one to telephone or walk in the door. You search for him/her.
• Why:
  "Why did he/she have to die?" You don't expect an answer, but you need to ask repeatedly. The question itself is a cry of pain.
• Repeating:
  Over and over again, you tell the same story, think the same thoughts. Repeating helps you to absorb the painful reality.
• Self-Control:
  You control your emotions to fulfil your responsibilities or to rest from the pain. Self-control can shape and give rhythm to your grieving, but constant rigid self-control can block healing.
• Reality:
  "It really happened." You feel you're getting worse. Actually, reality has just hit, and support from friends and family may be diminishing.
• Confusion:
  You can't think. You forget in mid-sentence. You are disorganized and impatient.
• Idealizing:
  You remember only good traits, as if your loved one was perfect. You find it hard to accept the not-so-perfect living. Your loved one's idiosyncrasies or imperfect traits become endearing reminders of their realness, humanness.
• Identifying:
  Wanting to stay close, you copy your loved one's style of dress, hobbies, interests, or habits. You may carry a special object of his or hers.
• Envy:
  You envy others. Their pleasure in their loved ones makes you feel keenly what you have lost. They don't deserve their good fortune.
• Frustration:
  Your past fulfilments are gone. You haven't found new ones yet. You feel you're not coping with grief "right."
• Bitterness:
  Temporary feelings of resentment and hatred, especially toward those in some way responsible for your loss, are natural. But, habitual bitterness can drain energy and block healing.
• Waiting:
  The struggle is over, but your zest has not returned. You are in limbo, exhausted, uncertain. Life seems flat.
• Hope:
  You believe you will get better. The good days out balance the bad. Sometimes you can work effectively, enjoy activities, and really care for others.
• Missing:
  You never stop missing your loved one. Particular days, places, and activities can bring back the pain as intensely as ever.
• Commitment:
  You know you have a choice. Life won't be the same, but you decide to actively begin building a new life for yourself.
• Seeking:
  You take initiative, renewing your involvement with former friends and activities, and exploring new involvements.
• Hanging On:
  Some days you hang on to the grief, which is familiar. Letting go is more a final good-bye to your loved one. You let go gradually.
• Peace:
  You can reminisce about your loved one with a sense of peace. You feel able to accept the death and face your own future.
• Life Opens Up:
  Life has value and meaning again. You can enjoy, appreciate, and anticipate events. You are willing to let the rest of your life be all it can be

All of us will face the need to grieve at one time or another. Grief is related to love and attachment; it is love under the condition of absence.

Grieving is loving someone who is no longer there.

Loss, death and grief are part of the human experience. To grieve is

normal; to not grieve is pathological. We grieve for the loss of friends and family.

We also we grieve for loss of health, jobs, stages of life, possessions and other things.

There is a grieving process that occurs in response to these losses too.

The tendency is for the individual to experience this grief alone, and this can often lead to an unrecognized depression.

We cannot change the fact of the loss; we are left with memories and feelings. For each, there will be a healing process that includes the process of grief. Grief takes us through stages that come and go and often confuse us. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross defined "Five

Stages of Grieving" that most people go through. The stages are not always clearly separated or sequential.

Initially we are caught in disbelief or denial. "It can't be me...!"

As the reality settles in, we find ourselves second-guessing, "If only ..." a stage called bargaining. The loss leaves us asking why this life was taken from us. We want answers when all we are left with is questions. We must rely on our beliefs and faith that are often tested during these times.

Soon this gives way to the emotion of anger, also a stage of grief. We can be angry at our bodies for aging, at the situation, at the person who has died or at God. Anger is not logical and it is not fair. It is an emotion that can be displaced on others because we don't know what to do with it.

This can give way to extreme sadness and depression at our loss and our inability to control events or understand them. It is a feeling of helplessness- the lack of power to change things. It is very normal and healthy to cry over the loss of someone who meant a great deal to you-someone you cared about. It is also normal to feel sadness over the loss of physical functioning.

Eventually, with time and support, we hope to reach a stage of grief called acceptance.

This means that you can remember the one who is gone with love and fondness, yet be able to share memories with a range of emotions. You don't forget, but you may be able to control when the thoughts and feelings come on. Don't judge your feelings; they are not bad or good.

You need to talk and share your feelings with Counsellors, peers, family and friends. That is part of the healing process. It is not easy. Time helps in healing wounds only if you are actively working on the grieving process. Active grieving requires talking out loud with others, not just thinking about it. Sharing good feelings with someone else makes you feel good;

surprisingly, sharing bad feelings with people often makes people feel better. Psychiatrist George Engel, MD from the University of Rochester defined "Four

Mourning:-

1. Accept the Reality (and Meaning) of the Loss. This task requires coming to

grips with the loss as real and understanding the meaning that the loss had for you. It requires acceptance of the loss and the value that loss will have for your life.

2. Experience the Pain and Grief. Dealing with the emotional and physical impact of the loss requires one to experience this pain. It is impossible to lose someone or something that was important to you without feeling the pain. The intensity varies from person to person but the need to grieve remains universal.

3. Adjust to an Environment in which the Deceased is missing. In any

bereavement, the loss is seldom clear-cut. This task involves adapting to the loss.

4. Withdraw Emotional Energy and Reinvest it in Another Relationship. Many

people misinterpret this task. In the case of the loss of a spouse, a friend or

something meaningful, withdrawing emotional attachment doesn't change the memory or dishonour the individual. It allows one to live in the present rather than being stuck in the past. Loving someone else doesn't negate the love that was held for the deceased. This is a difficult task to complete.

One benchmark of the completed grief process is when the person is able to think and talk of the deceased without pain. There may always be sadness but it is not in the form of active physical or emotional pain. The mourner is able to reinvest energy into living and enjoying the present. Responses to the stress involved in loss can produce symptoms including depression, anxiety, panic attacks, nightmares, sleep problems, appetite changes, nausea, concentration problems, fatigue and fear of repetition. These can be

normal responses to sudden loss or unresolved grief.

If it gets unmanageable, you may need to get help from a physician, therapist, a trusted person in your life or your Work/Life, talk to us to help you deal with these symptoms. This can be a difficult emotional time for You.

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